Natural Hair Style Icons for Black Girls

From early on in my childhood, I noticed a trend in Nollywood movies. When a character was poor or in a dilemma, they would have a natural hair style. When they had their life all together, they would always put on a straight hairstyle –  a wig or a weave. Later, I noticed the same trend in black movies (a.k.a. African American movies). It’s no wonder growing up, in high school, I insisted on having relaxed hair. I hardly ever saw anyone in the media with a natural hairstyle. 

In this age, we still have countable celebrities that wear their natural hair in their public life. We shall look at some of these amazing human beings that are a watchtower for all little black girls growing up looking for role models.

1. Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita has always embraced her natural hair ever since she was a small Kenyan actor. She stayed true to this even now as a multi award-winning hollywood actress. Embracing her skin colour and natural hair, she has inspired many black girls all over the world. She wears natural hair, braided hairstyles and turbans. She has dorned different hairstyles ranging from short to medium length. If your hair is between these lengths she can be a great hair lookbook for you.

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2. Issa Rae

Miss Rae is a true ray of light in the natural hair community. Issa has worn some of the greatest natural hair styles. You will never catch her in a boring hair look. From curly hair to flat twists, you can get so much inspiration from this amazing producer cum actress. Elevate your natural hair game by recreating her styles. 

3. Solange Knowles

I will forever admire Solange’s unique style. She might be the sister to one of the most celebrated music icons but you will never compare the two. You can never doubt Solange’s love for her natural hair. She even had an afro on her wedding day. If that’s not a statement, I don’t know what is. The beauty about her hairstyle is that it is usually low maintenance. Just a quick spritz and fluff in the morning and voila, you are ready to go. If you want to refresh your love for your hair, look no further but to this amazing musician.

4. Chloe and Halle Bailey

I have definitely not forgotten the loc’d up sistas. Speaking of sisters, this duo has the most stylish dreadlocks. They look like they came straight from a fairy tale with their curled-up hair and accessorized locs. You will find inspiration from these ladies on how to style and braid your dreadlocks. If you are thinking of locking your hair or have just started your dreads journey, they will motivate you.

5. Teyonah Parris

This one is for those with long natural hair. Teyonah looks like a goddess everytime she steps out with her long beautiful hair. Using simple manipulation such as twist-outs and braid-outs, she manages to create curly and wavy hairstyles. She also styles the mane in fancy up-dos that make her look so regal. For those who have short hair and would like to achieve this up-do look, you can do it using hair extensions. 

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6.  Zazie Beetz

Sometimes, you want to have that ‘big hair don’t care’ kind of hairstyle. Other times, your hair refuses to be controlled. Zazie manages to look flawless even with messy looking hair. She doesn’t control her hair; she lets it be. The messy hair look can also be achieved using twist outs, rollers or flexi rods. Also, you will get fresh ideas on wearing braided hairstyles from this amazing actress.

The reason why you may need style icons is that celebrities take a lot of time, energy and resources in styling their look. They use styling experts to help them with their look. By emulating them, you are taking a shortcut in learning style. Hopefully, these examples will offer you the inspiration you need to look fabulous in your natural hair.

The Social Media Bubble

I decided to read The Picture of Dorian Gray after ignoring it for so long. I thought it would be about a sordid gay relationship; it wasn’t but it was a riveting story nonetheless. 

Dorian Gray is a beautiful young man with whom a famous painter is obsessed with painting. The painter makes one last painting and it is a masterpiece. Dorian looks at the picture and states that he would rather retain his youthful beauty like the painting and for the painting to grow old and ugly. I will not ruin the story any further but does this sound familiar?

The Dorian Gray Syndrome

The Picture of Dorian Gray was published in 1890 but the premise of the tale is so familiar in today’s world. People have been obsessed with remaining young for generations. However, lately people are trying to attain this superficial beauty. It is technically unachievable because it is supposed to include all the best features of different races in one body.

Have you heard of the Instagram face? It is ambiguous ethnically, the eyes are catlike, plump lips, thick eyebrows… Yes, you know the face. This is the face that will most of the time pop up in your Instagram feed or searches. The bodies of these influencers are usually very slim on the waist and have big bum that has no stretch marks or cellulite.

Skin Deep

The age of social media has brought out the what we already knew about human beings. People are deeply vain and care way too much about physical beauty. That is why we have this new crop of ‘social media celebrities’ who are famous for nothing else but being famous. They fit in what we generally consider beautiful and so we follow them.

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The big Q is by putting physical appearance on pedestal, are we neglecting intrinsic beauty? Is outer beauty inversely related to inner beauty? Making oneself beautiful and presentable is not a vice. In fact, it is important because it shows self love. The err is the need for external validation from the online world. Well, the validation is not exactly the problem. It is the attention it takes away. The lengths of time spent face tuning photos, captioning, refreshing the feed; feeding the insatiable monster. That takes a lot of time and energy. It can be draining and even stressful.

It seems like everyone and everything boils down to one thing; does it look appealing? A lot of decision are pegged on this one picture-perfect illusion. I really hope that this illusion or creation one day comes crashing down. Like the way real estate and mortgages create a bubble, maybe we will soon face the social media crisis.

How to Handle Arguments

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Photo by Christina Morillo

Introduction

We all have had arguments that went downhill fast and you came out angry at each other. Not just angry, nothing was resolved and you might have said a few things that you regret. Getting out of a big argument without hating each other’s guts and having settled issues can be difficult. Today we shall learn how to handle arguments and if I am bold enough to say, come out unscathed.

1. Don’t Take the Bait

The best way to win an argument is by not having one. Do not take the bait, I repeat, do not take the bait. Dale Carnegie says in his acclaimed book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. You don’t have to attend every argument that you are invited to. It is important to understand that some conversations will be a bait.  Some people might enjoy pushing your buttons hoping to get one of your ‘feisty’ reactions. You will be tiring yourself and wasting your time. Instead use that time to drink water or complete your online dating profile.

2. Listen to Listen 

When you take time to actively listen, you are able to answer more rationally. Most people listen to answer. I know this because I am one of those. Learning to listen is a tool you will you use all the days of your life. In an argument, seek to listen more than talk. To push it even further ask questions either paraphrasing what you heard or seeking clarifications. 

By listening, you are bringing some calm to an intense situation. When only one person is ranting, they will ramble on for a while but in time they will subside. Not cutting them off or answering back to every little accusations will get them off from the defensive position.

Also, when you just listen, the person feels like you think what they are saying is important. People naturally want to be acknowledged. So if you listen attentively, you feed that need. 

3. Win-WIN Endgame 

This is usually a negotiation tactic where you let a party make a small win so you can get the big win. The same can apply in an argument. 

You will find that both of you have sensible points. Arguments are mostly clashes in opinions not facts. Unless you are arguing with a flat-earther. If you can agree with the opponent’s point of view, or at least an aspect of their point, point it out. There is a higher chance that they will agree with you on some level. It is important that you find where your points integrate and work around that point.

4. Humility is Key

When you are arguing and you are met with a really good point that makes you question your viewpoint, the reflex is not to agree with them. Generally, you might feel stupid and try to not leave the situation with your tail between your legs. So one will even go harder on their already disproven point. Humility is a virtue that few have and even fewer possess in a heated argument. Humility is knowing that you might not always be right and admitting it when you find yourself on the other side of the argument. 

In an instance you get the upper hand in an argument, refrain from rubbing in the win. The disadvantage of arguments is that even when you win, you still lose. So the best way is to make sure both of you win. I know that sounds new age-y, but if you cover someone from an embarrassment of losing an argument, they might not say it but they will be internally grateful.

Closing Words

The tools indicated above will definitely help in handling and resolving arguments. If there is a take away that I would like you to forever have is, listening more. As someone wise once said, you have two ears and one mouth; use them in the same proportion. Listen twice as much as you speak.

THE WOODLAND CREATURES AND I

 

Lately, I’ve had all the time in my life. So much free time in my hands. Not by choice though. I have sat and watched the woodland creatures. I am not kidding you. I sat on a seat, well, not so much of a seat, a tree stump and looked at two bush squirrel run after each other on a tree. At first, I thought they were plotting on how to make a meal out of the rabbit.

Oh yea, there is the rabbit, which I call Bunny. It’s so cute, with its big beautiful eyes and its wonderfully soft grey fur. I have watched it eating a carrot. It goes nibble-nibble-nibble on it for what seems like forever. It reminds me of my little sister. She used to eat like that in her younger years. She probably eats like that still. I am pretty sure her spirit animal is a rabbit or a bush squirrel.

I have had a lot of time in my hands. Have you seen the picture of two doves looking at each other, usually a sign of peace? I have witnessed that. Well, not doves, pigeons. They are of the same family only one is ‘the fairer one’.  Ironically, they seemed to be fighting. Or dancing. This is not an excerpt of National Geographic so don’t expect facts.

I have been woken by the flaps of the pigeon’s wings. It is such a fun thing to watch. I think they are sisters playing an interesting flap-me-I-flap-you game. Or maybe it’s a lady and a dude courting. Whatever it is, it is a fun relationship.

Talking about relationships, I think our dog and the hen are in a relationship. Every evening they sit together at the verandah harmoniously like an old couple. If only the dog knew that that is a meal-in-waiting. It is the hen, Chicky that comes to the dog. Chicky, like our today’s woman is very forward.

Sometimes Ed the dog will move to the grassy field and Chicky follows. This is a lesson to the timid lady. Make the first move. Text him first. Propose. Also, that could be a bad advice.

Some evenings are so still and all you can hear is the chirp of a bird. It tweets a lonely tune for a moment, falls silent, then starts allover again. It goes on and on.

I have watched then sunset. It is glows red hot. I am yet to see the sunrise. I am not an early riser plus the fence blocks the view. There are some nights when it is so dark and the sky seem to be painted with shiny stars. Some nights I have switched off the lights but the room remained dimly lit. I couldn’t help but take a peak through the curtains to see the moon in its night glory.

If you have free time by choice or by nature’s act, make it count. Travel to the village and get a touch of its magic. If you are going through a rough time, look for the silver lining in the cloud. Mine, I found, was the woodland creatures.

SEE, HEAR, SPEAK NO EVIL

If you would be well spoken of, learn to speak well of others. And when you have learned to speak well of them, endeavor likewise to do well to them; and reap the fruit of being well spoken of by them.

-Epictetus

Doesn’t it feel good when you say something nice about someone when they are not around? Now, doesn’t it feel even grander when somebody comes and tells you how well you were spoken of by a group of people? I call it positive gossip.

So, the one-million-dollar question is; why are human beings more inclined to say bad stuff about each other? Is it that we don’t like feeling good? Is that nice fluttery feeling inside after a good action too distasteful for us?

Hardly anything good ever comes out of slander. Let us look at various possible outcomes after gossip occurs.

Outcome 1. The other party could go and tell the gossiped. This fear of the unknown causes mistrust, fear; that knot in your stomach when your gossip counterpart seems to befriend the victim.

Outcome 2. The secret comes out. The word secret is being used very loosely. The expected reaction will probably be a big fight or the quiet seething hatred for each other.

Outcome 3. The horrible feeling inside knowing you spoke ill of someone.

Outcome 4. When they look at you and you wonder if they can see deep into your evil actions.

Outcome 5. They do a kind act to you and all you can feel is shame eating you up.

In conclusion, nothing good comes of gossip. The thrill of that particular moment when sharing it is pretty exhilarating. One might even say that it is so tasty, how we love to swallow it. You know that something feels good if you compare it to food.

It is interesting to know that human beings get a little happy when bad things happen to people they know, even their friends and family. They also tend to feel bad when good things happen. Stop looking at these words skeptically, you self-righteous person, this is science (social science) that I am imparting in you*. You might deny it but it is the hard truth. Otherwise, what is that feeling that you got when you saw your peer driving a Range Rover? Tell me what is that, for that one quick minute that you felt when you heard that your friend got promoted to a management position while you have been at the same position for the last three years with as little as a three percent raise? Can you deny that tug when your BFF shared the news that she just got hitched?

Face it humans, we lean heavily towards these feelings. That is why we slander. It takes effort to say nice things (not to their faces, mark you) especially to people we do not like. Having said all this, let us work harder to go against the grain. Give what you would like in return. Speak well of others. If you cannot, like the monkey emoji; see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil.

 

*For more information on social science and human behaviour look for ‘barking up the wrong tree’ by Eric Barker.

 

AREN’T MOTHERS THE GREATEST?

She was in a tough spot. She didn’t know who talk to. Have you been surrounded with so many people but felt so alone? That is how she felt as she walked under the August heat.

Today felt like the worst of all her other bad days. What if she couldn’t find anyone to talk to? It is crazy that one could have so many friends but cannot share with them a struggle. Maybe, she didn’t want to burden them with her problems. It won’t be fair; she comforted herself with this thought. It felt more unselfish. The truth is that we never want to show people this other side of our life. It can be hard, especially for her. She was the happy-go-lucky kind.

She felt that she would burst with emotions. She wanted to scream. I am going to scream. Did she just talk to herself? Looking around, she wondered, “Am I going crazy? Is this how it starts?”

Then the phone rings. Her mother. Picking it up, she says, “Hello,” in a tiny squeaky voice.

Hello my dear.

Ma, I just… I don’t know…

What is wrong?

I feel like I can’t do it anymore. It’s too much.

There is not a stronger feeling like talking on the phone wanting to say everything but unable to say a thing. So her mother will talk endlessly. She will say encouraging things and quote the Scriptures. Mother and daughter. The daughter half listens as she nods roughly and tears well up her eyes. It’s not so much what her mother is saying but she can now let it go. Her frustrations, her composure.

Somehow they will deviate to the local gossip. They will even chuckle and share a little laughter. Alas, she always had someone to talk to.

How Putting On A Wig Feels Like

This week I have been trying hard to be nice. I have majorly failed. Who knew saying, ‘You can talk to the hand because the face is not interested’ was still offensive and rude. I was trying to be funny but clearly was misunderstood.

This is why I have to be Miss Nice Lady this week. I decided to put on a wig. I have had this huge fear that someone will come and yank it off my poor head. I would run away, screaming like a mad woman. With the look that I have under the beautiful side-swept pixie hair-do, I would fit the picture.

I had confided to a colleague about getting a wig so when she saw me on Monday, she asked loudly, “Oh, so you got the wig?” Who does that? Also, people ask too many questions. Where did you buy it? Who fixed it? I have most of the time had to end the conversation with ‘It’s a wig’.

I actually prefer wearing a wig instead of a weave or fixing braids. I am not a big fan of salons. I really dread the pulling and unending hours at the salon. Also, I feel like I have more control when it’s a wig. I can remove it anytime (well, not between the day) I feel in need to go back to my natural hair.

If you would like to give your hair a rest or maybe you are out of inspiration on what to do with your hair, maybe you should try a wig.

Here is a look at how mine turned out:

All the best as you try.

WHO ARE YOU?

Who are you?

When everything is stripped away,

When you lose what was gold,

Who are you?

 

Beauty comes, beauty fades away

Like a beautiful rose

Today it stands in its glory,

Tomorrow it hangs in shame

 

Money can’t buy happiness,

Investment going wrong,

Bad business decisions and bankruptcy,

We soon buy despair

 

Most precious things,

Are those we can’t see

Love, truth, hope, courage

For when all things are gone,

These remain.

 

THE WEAVE WONDER

I have never understood the relationship between men and weaves. Nearly all men want the ladies to keep it natural. The amusing thing is that these men won’t recognize a head with a weave if it hit them. In time, the hairdressers have learnt how to fix them without the bumps. Of course there are the extremes. These weaves should only be reserved for hair shows. A weave can be so big enough it forms another head on top of the real head.

I think these types of hairs are what convinced one radio host that we ladies can’t be trusted. He said that he couldn’t marry a lady until he knew the shape of her head. His claim was that some females (they call us that these days) wear weaves back to back and you can date one for a whole year without ever seeing her natural hair.

I have fixed a weave. I have fixed a bulky curly mess of a weave. I will still blame Tyra for this hair inspiration. I watched lots of The Tyra Banks Show in my younger years. I had gotten a two-week job during a college break as a front office lady. I wanted to impress.

I love shopping for hair stuff. Some girls find it therapeutic to shop for clothes and shoes. I find it stressful, especially shopping for shoes. I grew into my big feet but the world has yet to make my size. Nothing fits. So I love hair shopping. It took me one hour or more to pick my best weave choice. I had a fantastic time.

I had been advised by a friend on the beauty salon to go. This was my first time fixing a weave. Being so ignorant about this kind of thing I chose to consult those experienced in the field. And experienced she was. Beryl, that’s her name, was one of those ladies you would never see without a hair extension. She is very beautiful; tall, dark and slim. She also had a wicked sense of humour. Apart from my sisters, she is the only lady who got my jokes (read sarcasm).

I find it very intimidating going to a salon, especially a new one. You would think you have the power since you are the one with the money. Oh no, it doesn’t work like that in the salons. These ladies, they have the power. You come with some airs; you may leave the salon with what looks like a bird’s nest on your head.

Not only was this hairdresser talking in a tongue foreign to my ears to her colleagues, she was also pulling my hair like crazy. I did not want to be impolite and interrupt. I figured that this could be my first lesson on torture. When they were done, I congratulated myself on not breaking. However I didn’t like what I saw looking back at me on the mirror. I looked wild. It was like I had gone through a tornado and my hair was telling the story. The hair covered half of my face. They told me that I looked nice. It was late and I knew some of them were sitting impatiently waiting for me to get done and go. Don’t trust the ladies.

I managed to reach at the hostel safely even with the hair impairing my sight. Beryl was polite about my look. It was her hairdresser after all. Also, she is more human than I am. I am honest to a fault. This is a nice way of saying that I am blunt and downright tactless.

Once she came from the salon with the weirdest style ever. There is a weave that usually has a strip standing tall at the top of the head. This could be the one she used. It was a short weave. It appeared like an inverted hat that opened out at the front.

I saw her and burst out laughing. She smiled awkwardly at me. I tried to be polite and muffed my laughs with a pillow. “Is it that bad?”

“It is okay I guess,” I replied. I was grinning. It was all I could do not to laugh.

“I thought so.” She understood what okay actually meant. “The ladies gushed at how pretty I looked.”

“Never trust the ladies!”

She picked a mirror.

“If there is anyone who can pull it off, it’s you,” I encouraged her. She got rid of it the following day.

We love weaves because they let our hair rest. Don’t wear them all the time though. Your hair might want to rest but remember it also needs to breathe. Also, don’t let the hairdresser pull your hair. The edges are the most delicate and weak part of your hair. Constant pulling will lead to balding. Do you want that? Lastly, let your significant other see the shape of your head.

A GIRL’S QUEST FOR LONG HAIR: PART III

I kept the hair. With the coastal climate, it was usually limp. It started getting a tint and I would cut it often to keep it looking full. A thought of shaving it never occurred to me (that is, while I was still in college. It occurred a few years later as you will soon find out). How could I survive looking like a boy? I’d rather keep the limp hair than have no hair.

With time, nothing seemed to salvage my hair. The time and the relaxers had started taking toll on it. It was damaged and weak because of the over processing. I had used relaxers since I was thirteen years. What was the point of it all? I had long hair, so what? I decided to cut it. This was much later, after my college days. It was in the stage of ‘finding myself’.

I didn’t do it in the Stone Cold style I had donned in my earlier years with the assistance of the master barber. I cut it short in the Lupita style. It was a bold step but then again I was finding myself.

It is always scary to cut hair after having it for more than ten years. You can’t remember the shape of your head. What if my head looked like an avocado seed? I remembered a girl in high school who told me that my hair looked funny when I held it because I had a bump at the middle of my head. I never saw the bump but what if others could see it? I tried to picture my childhood birthday photos. I knew I had a big head but I consoled myself that I had grown into it just as I had grown into my hands and feet.

I now have short natural hair. Technically not so short but with natural hair, you can never tell. I put down blow-driers and relaxers. I decided to start afresh. It is so funny, I have embraced the things that I was in such a hurry to leave.  The Alleluia comb, the coconut oil; the simple things my mum had tried to teach me.

I believe all hairs are beautiful. I believe that natural hair is the most beautiful. I have dropped the chase for the long straight hair. I have embraced the curly, coily and kinky that my natural hair is. Natural hair has helped me learn a lot. People ask me, “How can you keep your hair like that? I would look horrendous!” I tell them that confidence is the key. If you believe in your beauty, everyone around will believe in it too.